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Because I’m 50

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I’ve waited 50 years to for this moment. It took 50 years to reach a point of appreciation, understanding, acceptance and/or agreement with a variety of life lessons that I have been taught, told or experienced.

Sitting here this morning I realize that 50 is more than a birthday – it’s a platform, it’s a stage, it’s a milestone. In my opinion, reaching this milestone gives me the chronological credibility to share some lessons learned. Sure, I could have shared this at 49, but it just feels better sharing it at 50. For some, this will be news, for others it will be validation and for many more it’ll be comic relief.

So, here we go – what can I tell you about 50?

  1. I have to monitor my “Discretion Filter”. Things I used to think in my head, I just say it out loud in real-time.
  2. I have a bedtime again. When I was 35 I never said, “That’s past my bed time.” Going to an event in my 30’s I would ask, “When does it start?” Now I ask, “When does it end?” It has to be really special to keep me out past my bedtime.
  3. Hair stops growing where it should and starts growing where it shouldn’t. I don’t understand the functionality of hair in noses or on ears.
  4. Things that should stay soft get hard and things that should be hard start to get soft. I went to get a pedicure and my heels were rock hard. What did you think I was talking about?
  5. Hire a food taster. I swear someone is putting something in my food the older I get, because it’s now making me sick. Honey Buns never upset my stomach when I was in Middle School.
  6. I watch my children eating food that I wish I could eat again. Those teenage sons can eat anything and not gain an ounce of weight? Sometimes I just want to mush them in the face.
  7. The attractive young lady in the store makes eye contact, smiles and walks my way.  I secretly say to myself, “I still got it” – then she says, “Sir, aren’t you Doug’s dad?” I cuss under my breath and go home and mush my son in the face.
  8. You start drinking coffee for more than just the taste. Especially early in the morning. That’s all I’ll say here – if you’re over 50 you should understand.
  9. In my 30’s the only “Regular” I worried about was the gasoline in my car. (See #8 above to figure this out). Still don’t know? Ask someone over 50.
  10. Sometimes I go to the gym and sit in the locker room and just talk to people for an hour. Hey, at least I go to the gym.  All of you know that one dude that you never see working out, but he’s always in the locker room getting undressed and talking to everybody?? I bet he’s over 50.
  11. “Because I’m 50” is now the standard answer to justify whatever I want or do. But this only works on people 49 or below.

Happy Birthday to ME.

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